Walking the Path…

When I started writing about my weight loss journey…little did I know that it would take me through this dark journey…and never would have thought about sharing…but I do so in the hope that it may be a guiding star in someone else’s darkness…

I cry almost every day, right now …and often feel like I have no skin and my innermost being is raw … screaming internally with every breath of air…irrationally I am not depressed…I know that there is an end…this is only the beginning to a beautiful ending …this is the beauty of the darkness

 When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside – that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. 

Chase Brooks

The analogy that comes to mind is the treatment needed for third degree burns …my past traumas caused damage to the very depth of my being …I hadn’t realized the severity …I numbed the pain to survive…the best way I could …anaesthetizing the deep inner wounding and brokenness in whatever way I could manage… now the scar tissue must be scrubbed clean …and it hurts like the dickens …

Instinctively I knew that this healing would be painful …I humbly submitted to God that I would walk the path …it is my “valley of death” that I am walking through …not to live in or die here …but to walk through …releasing the infectious thoughts and beliefs that have kept me small and hidden (out of fear) …definitely, “It would be easier to keep playing life without being whole …it is done all the time …but that is not what I choose …

My first session with the a registered clinical psychologist and pastoral therapist is still about 10 days away …I am responsible for my own life and have been experimenting with spiritual practices to find what works for me …EFT tapping helps with anxiety …many people swear by its weight loss attributes … I haven’t gone that far with it yet definitely helps in several ways for me…

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

EFT Tapping has been used successfully in PTSD survivors … a lot like acupuncture without the needles …EFT uses fingertip tapping to apply pressure to the meridian points …points in our body which the Chinese believe that our energy flows through …

There are several steps …but the one that spoke to me first was the “setup phrase”… a common setup phrase is: “Even though I have this [fear or problem], I deeply and completely accept myself.” …affirmations are about what we want to become … not acknowledging where we are and loving ourselves in spite of those imperfections …

So much of my issues stem from not knowing how to love myself …something I never learned as a child to do …that statement I deeply and completely accept myself” along is very healing …self-acceptance even when I am not that “perfect” version of myself I feel I need to be to be accepted and loved …EFT tapping has worked for me in shorting the overload of anxiety when I use it …

Learning to heal the inner child …is my biggest challenge …. “adulting” is not something I really learned to do well …I had no role models …and my parents were unable to provide the knowledge I needed to navigate the world due to their own traumas …and being kept secluded in the cult” gave me no other options to come across any …

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.” ― Jess C. Scott

Today I completed a YouTube Video Yoga for trauma healing …a gentle yoga not focused on hard poses to master …a way to safely connect with my body …slowly starting to release the lower vibrational energy that I have stored in my body …helpfully liberating tension

That is how I view the extra weight that I carry with me …a lower vibrational energy that I stored with every bite of food that I used to stuff anger, hurt, fear and all the other negative emotions and feelings that food helped me to manage in a more societal acceptable way …

“The fact is, all of us are living with the invisible wounds of some kind of war. Yoga helps you to let go of the things that don’t serve you anymore.”
Dan Nevins, yoga ambassador and US Army veteran

Tomorrow will be a new day …new hope …a gift to be opened with grace and gratefulness …this is not the end, only the beginning…there is a reason that I wear a butterfly tattoo🦋

Across the miles ..I send you love…with prayers for all the laughter and magic you can hold❣

Being Beautiful…

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

I read today that the Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh had passed…in reading the article that Chris Grosso wrote in the Elephant Journal…regarding a lesson that he had learned from this spiritual teacher…something triggered an aha moment…

The last few weeks have been difficult…physically and emotionally stressful…continuing frustrations that triggered an elephant strong anger…which almost never happens to me…I always felt that anger was a wasted emotion that didn’t really help anyone, especially myself…yet, it threw its ugly head up and roared so loudly that I couldn’t pretend that it was just an illusion…or caused by anyone or anything other than my own nonacceptance of the current situation…

In preparing for the journey to my “Mt. Everest”…I had started back to the gym…after Covid avoidance for over a year and a half…and even engaged a trainer…first week superfine…upper body one day lower body the next…pushing me to accomplish 4 sets of 12 Reps… which I definitely wouldn’t have done by myself…

Then he went on vacation…expecting to send me the exercises so that I could continue the routine on my own…and then Murphy stepped in…the trainer was unable to send the information…and I went backwards…losing momentum again…feeling very stymied on my desire to become healthy…

Ok…but not one to give up too easily…the trainer returned, and I scheduled another session…upper body and everything was written out…determined not to be foiled again…that was a Tuesday…

And Murphy started laughing…Wednesday I was being told by the doctor that I was not to do any weight training until I saw a physiotherapist…and I disappointedly canceled my Friday session 😣…

According to the physio…now I can continue the training sessions…the back and leg nerves are just going heal at the snail pace it decides to…the discomfort, tingling, burning and everything else associated is just going to take some time before it is all alleviated…I hate it…I hate it…I have always been healthy…not great at being patient…I am so super frustrated and it has been getting on my everlasting last nerve…

So that’s where I’m at…negative emotions swirling like winter confetti…snow in a dangerous winter blizzard…low visibility with the total whiteout…frozen hope ice pellets assailing my thoughts…

It is so important to me to lose the encumbering emotions and physical weight…more than important…it is paramount, critical, crucial and any other synonym that you can think of…the only goal in my life that has not been conquered to some part…I know what it feels like to be vibrant and healthy…Only gaining weight with abusive relationships and fallout…which is just another reason why this is so essential…it is pivotal to my feeling that the past no longer holds me back from being the best version of myself… my past will no longer be visibly represented in my body…I no longer need protection…I want to fly again…to be free… from this limiting cocoon…it is suffocating to me…

In this feeling of imperfect and ‘unbeautiful’ in body, soul and spirit…I came across the article…my translation was to take all these thoughts and emotions and hold them…”the same way that a mother holds a newborn baby”…”every thought and emotion wrapped in a warm blanket, being held with very loving care closely to your heart, your chest, as you extend it very sincere compassion from your heart center”…expressing love to our unpleasant thoughts and emotions…it is an unconditional love for myself…a love that is healing…

It is unusual for me…but it is comforting feeling…accepting myself in the imperfections …are my emotions calm and placid now…no…but like most things…it is a gradual subsiding…

I so yearned to be at least partway up my mountain by my birthday…three moons to my new year…no closer and even a little further away…and no less determined to make it…hell…high water…or whatever else comes my way…life is a journey…mine just happens to need to travel this mountain…it is said that the view will be worth it…I’ve been there and seen the possibilities…now just a little wiser and the view will be all the more extraordinary…

This is my struggle…I will grow…become stronger to fly again…

“May your dreams be larger than mountains and may you have the courage to scale their summits.” ~Harley King

Tomorrow I will begin again… and if necessary…again again and again

Much love, laughter, and magic for your day❣