The Privilege of Aging

Conflicted…still conflicted …but maybe less so…just a tad. Aging is a challenge for me, that keeps showing up every January 26th …to be truthful, every day that I pass a mirror and stop with surprise …wondering who that woman I see is🤣

“Every birthday is a gift. Every day is a gift.”

Aretha Franklin

The holidays are past …my guests arrived and departed this month …sick husband on the mend for a chest infection …and my own health challenges kept me from being as present here as I would have loved to have been …

Health becomes so much imperative as age demands it portion of our life …losing lean body mass (slowing down our metabolism) and bone density, if we do not make fitness a priority and a part of our daily life …

Honestly, I also ferociously deal with confronting the uncomfortableness of my aging looks …I absolutely detest the idea of being a frumpy old lady baking cookies …or sitting in a rocking chair knitting a scarf for someone …never been and never will …although that has been a hope by daughter carried for many years …

My hair has never seen more than a small sliver of grey since I saw my first one in my twenties …oh, that was a day to be rued …couldn’t change the thinning, but really cut short cuts are much cooler in the steamy hot summer months here in South Africa …no air conditioning is not a norm here and I ‘glow’ quite a bit more during the peak summer months …and that is one strange turnaround …celebrating my birthday in the freezing cold of midwestern life to a sweltering drippy humid kind of day …

Yet, I am finding that there is a relaxing to what is …microscopic but growing …and I am releasing the brittle mask that pinches and that I have held so tightly onto to try and fit into the expected societal norm …there is a gentler pace here and a more natural acceptance to life in general …when I relax and breath into the moment …shutting out the din of marketing …the unreal expectations that we see on television and all the social media outlets …

There is a quiet peace in acceptance and even a joy that bubbles up …this little ele loved blowing bubbles in his water …after all, sometimes we must create our own bubbles

“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”

Sophia Loren

It is difficult saying good-bye to the “good ole ‘days” …it is an emotional and difficult one …besides the loss of youthful dewy skin and unbounding energy, losses in life start to become more prevalent …learning how to accept those with loving grace is not a straightforward process for me …a best friend and confidant in the US had a stroke that she will not go home from… we sent WhatsApp messages daily updating our weight progress and pitfalls …supporting the ups and down of life …I did not feel so alone here, even though we were eight hours and 2000+ miles apart …I am still reeling with the loss …

Yet, it is a part of life the is here to stay …as friends and relatives age …I desire to make friends with loss and grieving …looking with love at the memories and love that were shared …gratitude for the life that I have lived …the scars that have healed with renewed strength … it’s time to say goodbye to the physical youth, shed some tears and then optimistically embrace our ever-evolving selves …

That is part of my evolution …gratitude and being present in the moment …living whole heartedly and with wild abandonment (but then taking a nap 😴) …I can now become the wild woman that my soul has yearned to be …embracing the opportunities that are now available …I’m not stopping, but just starting to dance in the joyful creativity that I am able to pursue …the writing (a fantasy novel carried for eons, tapping to be let out) and photography (becoming a story teller of the beautiful of our world) …

Time expands with all the technology at our fingertips …and I can accomplish in my life now what would have taken years, when I started working …Photoshop is so much cooler than cutting and pasting, messy airbrushing and retouching on a lightbox with several magnifiers …yes, I am that old …

Now it is time to continue the path to health, so my years can produce what is within my heart and mind …and I don’t travel onward to my next journey, taking with me what I was meant to share and leave here…

“Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.”

David Bowie

This is dedicated to my loving Mom …who I miss every day🥰 I know that she is happier where she is …

Wishing magic and “bubbles” for your day …sent with love from a fellow traveller ❣

The Mountain is Me …

Mountains are often used as metaphors of challenges that feel insurmountable and impossible to scale, as we stand at the bottom viewing the craggy and jagged edges, piecing the sky … cloaked with an insidious mist clutching, hiding the prize that we seek …

The mountain is not so much outside of myself, it is the ‘old ‘self within …the fears, the traumas, the coping mechanisms that became my tools of survival …the bedrock of my life …an obstruction that keeps me from the healthy life that I want to live …

I must become the heroine of my story. Mastering myself and in the doing, mastering the mountain that has loomed over the landscape of my life for what seems like a millennium …

The last couple of weeks have been a fascinating learning journey…after two months of one of an extremely stressful periods in my life …I felt like a failure for not being able to accomplish the desired result that I had dreamed of …I sat there staring at all the little broken in pieces of my heart …

The very day that I came back home …another punch in the gut with news that was life altering …so I just sat and cried, and cried some more …everything within me shattered …then I surrendered …there was nothing that I could do the change the outcomes …Logically, I know that as humans, we do not have control over some of life’s bumps …but I have lived a great deal of my life with the uncontrollable need to try to control situations and people in my sphere …out of the fear of lost, being alone without the capability to survive …

A stressful situation has always triggered anxiety and fear that sweet and Carby foods were able to sooth in the moment …the challenge of becoming healthier now at 60+ has many additional facets that have needed to be addressed …most so neurologically engrained that stepping out of the grooved ruts to build new pathways seemed most difficult, if not impossible …

My being stubborn does have its advantages sometimes …I have dreams and goals that have not dissipated into the midst of the grey hopelessness and depression that often surrounds me, causing me to fall off the mountain so many times … they keep tapping me on the shoulder …’you can’t give up,’ …’you have things to create,’ “people to love” …my obstinacy would raise its head and with bloody nose, broken bones, bruised knees (and my angel’s help) I would get up …to try one more time …

There are few obstacles in life that will not succumb to consistent, sustained, intelligent, positive action. When you are discouraged after you’ve failed at something, remember Edison’s 10,000 failures before he arrived at the solution that forever changed the world ~Napolean Hill

I sat several days with the breath knocked out of me …surrounded by all the broken pieces …sitting there, trying to get my breath back …I kept telling myself “breath in, breathe out,” “breath in, breath out” as I viewed each broken piece that glittered in the South African sun …strange creative thoughts arriving of what a beautiful mosaic they would make …I picked up a piece and gratitude filled my heart as I viewed the memory of that piece of myself …

I cannot tell you what magic occurred during the last two weeks …but the mountain disappeared, and a previously unseen path materialized in front of me …as I relinquished my control over what was and will be …opened my heart with gratitude for the wonder and gifts of each moment …

The path, my broken heart opened, will not be without perils, obstacles, and challenges …for that is what we call “life” …I have gathered all the broken pieces and carry them all close to my heart, in a bag embroidered with a heart❤ with gratitude…I am slowing down, taking one step at a time …embracing each moment with graciousness and peaceful thankfulness of the present moment …finding the way to my destination with less fear and apprehension …

Each extra unhealthy pound that I carry holds an old emotion, hurt, or trauma that I pushed down …to be released, I must hold them to the light of love …until they are transformed and released …the journey is one that may be arduous and painful at times …but less so, than the previous ones of scaling the mirage of that unscalable mountain that I viewed through all the years of listening to the ‘diet industry’ …

“The difference between a path and a road is not only the obvious one. A path is little more than a habit that comes with knowledge of a place. It is a sort of ritual of familiarity. As a form, it is a form of contact with a known landscape. It is not destructive. It is the perfect adaptation, through experience and familiarity, of movement to place; it obeys the natural contours; such obstacles as it meets it goes around.”

 Wendell Berry, The Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays

Still maintaining the habits that assist me on the path, such as intermittent fasting, low intake of carbs, and less stress in my life …I had lost almost 5 pounds …Christmas Eve with my South African family and Christmas Day were bumps …a charming Christmas Eve dinner with family and a tearful ‘missing’ the traditional Christmas that I observed in the USA with my kids and family …

“Light is to darkness what love is to fear; in the presence of one the other disappears.” – Marianne Williamson

My Christmas gift to you is shining the light of love, sharing the knowledge that you are not alone in the darkness of your struggles in the tempetuous and wild storms of life …you are loved beyond your imagination …love yourself …hold yourself tight …the magic will appear …hold on my dear one❣

The Abyss of Despair❣

The monster Fear grabbed by hand and led me to the edge of abyss of despair …wrapping its arms around my shoulder, whispering …”there is no hope” ….”Make it easy and just give up”…”the pain will be unbearable” … “there is no way around or through” …”You have always failed, ALWAYS” ….

A recent professional diagnosis of ADD (ADHD) encouraging me to fall to my knees, one more time …some close to me denying the diagnosis …saying that it was incorrect … I do not outwardly exhibit the symptoms that people typically think of as ADHD …I appear calm and peaceful on the outside … not hyper or fidgety …feeling alone because others in my life, do not understand what it means to have to struggle every day with the inability to stay focused and the myriad other mental challenges that ride the coattail of ADD …  “It’s like being a cat with 100 people with laser pointers.” ― Jamie Hynds

“They said I could pass as normal, that I was clever and no one would ever know. They lied. Not about passing. The lie was hidden beneath, in the desire for me to be the same as them. I am extraordinary. They should have helped me soar, be more of me, not less.” ― Anna Whateley

Anna Whateley

Trying to understand myself …I recently read that ADHD can Drastically shorten a patient’s life …”ADHD can reduce life expectancy by as much as 13 years, but its risk is reversible.” ^{https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-life-expectancy} …and the darkness enveloped me …shrouding me with the coldness of hopelessness …

That’s all I could focus on … ‘Drastically shorten‘ … “and much higher in women as men” ^{https://edgefoundation.org/does-adhd-shorten-life-expectancy} Here I am… enjoying the “best” years of my life, after finding ‘my knight with only moderately dented armor’ and I am being handed a notice of eviction from life sooner than I had planned on …fear saturated every nook and corner of my mind …then I took the keys back …

“As they have taught me, I believe that without asking, we are given all we need. We must have the wit and wisdom to recognize the strengths and tools at our command, and find the courage to do what must be done.”

Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

The second part of the quote reads, “but its risk is reversible.”… and reading further, “mainly due to accidents” …due to our distractedness and impulsive thinking …I raise my hand 😱…falling after a shower with a nerve damage from a deep shin cut, because I wasn’t paying attention,my mind far away on thoughts of a possible photographic setup …

Although my primary concern is with the health of being at optimum weight for longevity …Hallelujah!!! I understand now, why even though I always have known what I need to do to lose weight and become healthier …I have never been able stick with a program long to lose weight and then keep it off …or lose some weight and then gain it back when life became stressful …

Not only are people with ADHD wired for obesity, but also struggle with the routines that support health …😫ADHD is an executive function deficit disorder …which in laymen means that we lack (in various degrees) the mental abilities that people need to actively pursue goals …our self-regulation …our self-awareness, self-restraint, the ability to hold things in our minds (how we picture things mentally), our internal monologues, emotional self-regulation, and self-motivation, and our planning and problem solving abilities .

My brain craves dopamine (as most ADD brains do) …the neurotransmitter that impacts mood …although exercise increases dopamine …so does the bread, chips, and sugar …which is so much handier and easier to get quickly …

Symptoms like impulsivity make us more prone to give in to cravings for high-fat, high-sugar foods. And the dopamine rush we get from carbohydrates and sweets becomes addictive; it feels as if our brain needs that grilled cheese sandwich.

By ADDitude Editors, John Fleming, Ph.D., Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D.

This week, it was heart wrenching to hear again that the one person that I rely on for support had given up on my losing the weight and being healthy 💔…what is more devastating is the knowledge that there is no way to explain sufficently the difficulty that I deal with on a daily …a minute by minute struggle …when I am actively doing my absolute best to do what I know is supportive of weight loss …even more of a struggle, because I am also in an incredible stressful situation currently …

I had no idea, how much the ADHD worked against me with this goal of becoming healthier …

ADHD creates problems with self-regulation — of attention, short-term memory, and emotion—that extend to food intake. Trouble with impulse control keeps people with ADHD from thinking, “I won’t eat that because it’s not healthy, and I will regret it later.” Instead, we grab an unhealthy snack without considering if it’s a good idea or not.

_{The ADHD brain has low levels of two neurotransmitters: dopamine (responsible for feelings of reward) and GABA (responsible for inhibition). We crave sugar to stimulate dopamine production. This, paired with a lack of inhibitions, can set the stage for weight gain.} ^{https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-weight-loss-tips}

Still, possible …just more challenging …’Diets’ are not going to work …but that’s the case for even the 90% +/- of the world’s “neurotypical” … So where do I go from here???????????

It’s going to be one beautifully, blessed day …or minute, or second at a time …even a nanosecond, if necessary … because I have not come through burning hell to lie down now …I am determined to live … I will fight for that privilege with every breath that I have … if a few more scars are incurred…I am willing to pay that price …my scars are my beauty

Always sending love, happiness, and magic for your day … for those who are struggling …please hold on and find beauty in the darkness …it is there, if you search …You are never alone …I promise❤

“My thoughts are like butterflies. They are beautiful, but they fly away.”
― Anonymous

Should I Just Give In…and Up

Daily tripping over myself and rolling down this steep mountain…over bruising rocks and broken twigs poking holes and leaving long bleeding scratches in the skin of my soul and spirit… continuing fighting for a goal, that appears unattainable, every single day seems counterintuitive …so when is it pure foolish dogged grit and when is it time to let something go…

Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

Is being a healthy weight at 66…almost 67…an unhealthy obsession? …I have fought with my weight issues for most of my life …starting with the dissolution of my first marriage …gaining weight as I stuffed emotions of every kind … feeling that I wasn’t worth loving …I was inadequate as a woman (my own Father pounded that in…I wasn’t a good enough woman to keep my husband from cheating …I had no skills to combat all the despair and depression …wanting to just to die because of the incredible pain that enveloped me every moment of every breath…

…I digress …this writing is not about delving into the situations that occured to cause emotional overeating …and more about where I go from here …I wanted so much to make this the “last” and final time to try and get healthy …I live with a vision of being healthy and fit …just sliding into a dress and not worrying about which lump or bump that might show …of being able to get up of the ground when I want to take a photograph from an inspiring creative angle… taking hikes with my Mr. P …and on and on …the desire is there

Thirty years of “dieting” hasn’t worked …there is always a stressful situation that arrives knocking on the door …that is the siren’s call of fatty, sugary, and carby beckons ….bringing all the comforting numbing and pleasure of earthly fare (however fleeting) whispers …you know …the legal substance to anaesthetize overwhelming emotional pain …

When I first arrived here in South Africa in 2019 …I weighed the heaviest that I had ever been in my life …and with support I lost 50 pounds …it was such an incredible feeling …it wasn’t easy …but walking, exercising, and low carb eating it came off without too much pain …although the first month my body ached every day as I started moving after about 3 years of dealing with PTSD and just surviving day to day …so, it is possible …

Then life smacked us all ridiculously hard with Covid lock-down …here, we couldn’t even leave the house for walking for a fleeting period of time …then my knight was diagnosed with colon cancer and the next year, and a half consisted of an overload of every conceivable emotion and anxiety that one deals with in this situation…topped with being alone in a new and unknown country with a new partnership …needless to say, that knocked me off the healthy lifestyle that I had developed …falling back to my lifelong coping mechanisms …

I have never fully recovered …and although I didn’t lose all the ground, I had gained with my endeavors …I am now in another challenging situation that is continuing to sabotage the loss that I had …and I am concerned …currently losing ground rapidly

So …should I just let go … and just say, “f*** it all” and just live the shortened life that I will have (if I give up) …

There are days that it feels that it might be such a relief to just float into oblivion of not caring anymore …

Yet …there springs the smallest flicker of hope that I can still beat this …so tired of fighting …is there another way to find peace and health at the same time …the paths that I was walked before …definitely didn’t lead me to the place that I wanted …just more frustration of failing one more time …belief in myself dissipating …

The situation is not going to change for a little while …it is a situation that I am caring for a young girl who is hanging on for her own life …I won’t abandon her when her loneliness and despair …I know too well her journey … her heart is beautiful and shines through …

So now what …unfortunately or fortunately …I have never been able to give up on something that is important to who I as a person …I still want a life filled with joy and happiness and the longer I ride this planet …the more glimpses of that magical joy I can stuff into my pockets of memories to warm me when life is cold and the blustery winds curl their tendrils around me …intent on pulling off the cloak of my peace …

The process has to be different than that the greedy businesses of weight loss tries to sell us …the pied pipers of the perfect body …companies that “peddle fad weight-loss products.” to line their pockets with the hopes and dreams of people believing the lies that are spun …

I know that there are no easy fixes …no quick diet …I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the times that I’ve believed and spend my blood and sweaty tears for a new hope filled scheme …

It’s only a long term…exercise and calorie deficit lifestyle …living life …80/20 and not perfection that laughs in my face with the impossibility …I have a meeting with a trainer that I meet with last week …not for losing weight specifically …but to increase those sly muscle tissues that keep disappearing somewhere in the wild blue wonder as I age …and the flexibility that would support less chance of injury ….yada…yada …yada…things we all know are important for a better life as we age …

Bottom line …I just want to feel a whole lot better than I do currently …and the rocking chair doesn’t entice me at all …is it too late …I don’t think so …as long as I have breath, it is not too late …more difficult, but possible …

I had tried a trainer last year …but it wasn’t the right fit …he was a buff guy that just knew how to do that …”buff up” …not a long-term, slow healthy journey…a sustainable lifestyle for the rest of my life …a lifestyle that supports the attainment of my goals and dreams that I still carry tucked away in the deepest dark corners of my mind from the prying and grubby hands of those that say, that I must release them and let them go …you’re too old …

I have worked really Damm hard to get this far in life …to survive … maybe not thrive as well as I would have liked …but I survived and that is a victory that I can celebrate …and I am not too old to be what I want to be or at least enjoy the journey …

So I am putting on my “big girl panties” …and go to work …one more time …”I can do all things through Him who empowers me” …maybe pure foolishness …but often in history, what the world saw as foolishness became a greatness that enhanced the life of others …

Sending so much love, laughter, and magic for your life ❣…

Here’s Looking At You 😁 from Penelope

Not My Monkey…Not My Circus

I almost laughed out loud when my therapist spoke those words aloud…I had been upset because I had been trying to control something/someone that I had no control over…being an Empath has always muddied the waters by feeling the emotions of others …always devoting my precious energy to trying to thinking, ruminating over and over …trying to control situations that I had no business trying to manage…partly to make everyone happy and in part, trying to control out of fear …an old childhood trauma reaction

“Not my circus” is code: you are not the ringmaster here. You can watch the show, and certainly decide whether you stay in that tent, but you cannot control what happens there. Learning which circus is yours can diminish your stress remarkably. _{https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-techniques/201412/not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys}

Just love that passage…Backing off and relaxing the grip on the need to control everything and everybody within my sphere of influence feels like taking gulping in a huge breath of air after I’ve been holding my breath for eons…or what feels like eons

It’s never to late to learn better ways to navigate life…even if I was told that it’s “a little late to be learning” how to travel this plain of existence in a slightly healthier manner …or in my case, I just want my life journey to be happier and more filled with joy with the time that I have available …much better way to be available to give love to those who need it than from a depressed and sad place …

The recent path has been passing rather rapidly …the time feels long when I am in the work but the last few weeks …a down hill runaway train feels like a more apt description …just raise my hands and scream …I heard you should do that on a roller coaster to release the fear😂

I realize that there is still a decent amount of work to do to step off the brakes of life …I’m still ok with that …progress is progress and any amount is going in the right direction …so on I go

“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

 J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

As I continue to work on becoming a more balanced empath and controlling my own circus of magical unicorns, dragons and friendly lions …not worrying about what I cannot control and shifting to what joyful life I can create …there is still the view of the mountain of losing weight in my sight…

I took a break for a few months to find some balance and work at removing the rocks and boulders that kept tripping me up …I’m ready to try again …a firm believer that when you’re ready the teacher comes or the path is revealed …this morning was an “aha” moment …

There are hundreds…thousands of ways that the diet industry and every “Tom, Dick and Harry” suggest is the best way to lose weight and be healthy …the scientific community changes it’s opinion right and left also …and I’ve tried almost every single one of them …ashamed of the money and energy seemingly wasted on the endeavor …past is past

Anyway…back to this morning …talking to my friend that has been struggling right along beside me …she told me about her sister that had lost over 100 pounds in less than a year …and about the same age bracket …a light blinked on…

I had been reading an Instagram account of a younger woman who had followed the same basic principles …but I was skeptical that it would work for a post menaposual woman …those pesky hormones and all that …but here was a perfect example that the simplest solution might be the answer …

Both of these women did the same basic things … 1) Each day when they reached their calorie allotment, they quit eating. No food restrictions or special types of food. 2) Exercise. One 30 minutes of treadmill walking and the other an hour of fast walking. No special equipment. Just moving. 3) Tracking weight…one recorded their weight daily and the other weighed once a week.

So that is the plan to start climbing again …I’m rather excited to see what I can do…70 days till home USA

“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. ~Alan Cohen

Sending the gift of love and laughter…a peaceful heart filled with joy and sprinkled with the magic of a life❣

Walking the Path…

When I started writing about my weight loss journey…little did I know that it would take me through this dark journey…and never would have thought about sharing…but I do so in the hope that it may be a guiding star in someone else’s darkness…

I cry almost every day, right now …and often feel like I have no skin and my innermost being is raw … screaming internally with every breath of air…irrationally I am not depressed…I know that there is an end…this is only the beginning to a beautiful ending …this is the beauty of the darkness

 When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside – that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. 

Chase Brooks

The analogy that comes to mind is the treatment needed for third degree burns …my past traumas caused damage to the very depth of my being …I hadn’t realized the severity …I numbed the pain to survive…the best way I could …anaesthetizing the deep inner wounding and brokenness in whatever way I could manage… now the scar tissue must be scrubbed clean …and it hurts like the dickens …

Instinctively I knew that this healing would be painful …I humbly submitted to God that I would walk the path …it is my “valley of death” that I am walking through …not to live in or die here …but to walk through …releasing the infectious thoughts and beliefs that have kept me small and hidden (out of fear) …definitely, “It would be easier to keep playing life without being whole …it is done all the time …but that is not what I choose …

My first session with the a registered clinical psychologist and pastoral therapist is still about 10 days away …I am responsible for my own life and have been experimenting with spiritual practices to find what works for me …EFT tapping helps with anxiety …many people swear by its weight loss attributes … I haven’t gone that far with it yet definitely helps in several ways for me…

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

EFT Tapping has been used successfully in PTSD survivors … a lot like acupuncture without the needles …EFT uses fingertip tapping to apply pressure to the meridian points …points in our body which the Chinese believe that our energy flows through …

There are several steps …but the one that spoke to me first was the “setup phrase”… a common setup phrase is: “Even though I have this [fear or problem], I deeply and completely accept myself.” …affirmations are about what we want to become … not acknowledging where we are and loving ourselves in spite of those imperfections …

So much of my issues stem from not knowing how to love myself …something I never learned as a child to do …that statement I deeply and completely accept myself” along is very healing …self-acceptance even when I am not that “perfect” version of myself I feel I need to be to be accepted and loved …EFT tapping has worked for me in shorting the overload of anxiety when I use it …

Learning to heal the inner child …is my biggest challenge …. “adulting” is not something I really learned to do well …I had no role models …and my parents were unable to provide the knowledge I needed to navigate the world due to their own traumas …and being kept secluded in the cult” gave me no other options to come across any …

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.” ― Jess C. Scott

Today I completed a YouTube Video Yoga for trauma healing …a gentle yoga not focused on hard poses to master …a way to safely connect with my body …slowly starting to release the lower vibrational energy that I have stored in my body …helpfully liberating tension

That is how I view the extra weight that I carry with me …a lower vibrational energy that I stored with every bite of food that I used to stuff anger, hurt, fear and all the other negative emotions and feelings that food helped me to manage in a more societal acceptable way …

“The fact is, all of us are living with the invisible wounds of some kind of war. Yoga helps you to let go of the things that don’t serve you anymore.”
Dan Nevins, yoga ambassador and US Army veteran

Tomorrow will be a new day …new hope …a gift to be opened with grace and gratefulness …this is not the end, only the beginning…there is a reason that I wear a butterfly tattoo🦋

Across the miles ..I send you love…with prayers for all the laughter and magic you can hold❣

Conversations…My Dragon & I

“Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”

Charles Bukowski

Making peace with one’s self is so much easier than making war…well, maybe not easier but less bloody…Incredibly adverse to the hatred that it takes to kill something…even the thought of killing something within myself was abhorrent…

So how to reframe it all… losing weight…which is letting all the trapped trauma go…self-sabotaging…self-hatred…to lose weight without limited massive willpower… and keep it off means changing something deep within myself…so here I am taking the time to talk to my big personal dragon of self-sabotage…why does he decide to burn down every attempt to cross this mountain…

My Protector and I

It made no sense when I was so confident that this was the time… Determination was at an optimum level…I was going to conquer the mountain of weight loss come hell or high water…becoming healthier, more confident, and happier…and then I quit…BLOP…sat right now and quit…doing the same thing over and over gets exhausting…

During introspection, I realized that I had been in a situation that triggered all of my fears of being “not safe”…being “pretty” when I was younger brought attention that was dangerous and hurtful…the fear (Fear is a powerful, deeply wired reaction that is designed to keep us safe from perceived threats) of being taken advantage of again caused the “inner child” to freak out again…huge anxiety…

There are several reasons (smaller dragons) that have caused me to sabotage my weight loss…feeding worry and anxiety… a way to soothe, rewarding myself and suppressing feelings…but the biggest one is fear in all its incredible glorious form…

Recognizing it is the first step…the fear is irrational…I am in a safe place with a man that loves me for who I am… understands and is supportive of where I’m at…acknowledgement has been a good beginning…I have started talking with a therapist and we’ll see where that leads and if it is helpful…

The trauma of when I was younger apparently was horrible enough that my self-protection has blocked my memory of most of my life between the ages of 5 and 18…our brains are such beautiful… I don’t know if I even need to remember or if I ever will…and that’s ok…I have forgiven and I am no longer a victim…my focus is staying mindful and being in the moment…”sucking the juice out of every moment that I am blessed with”…

Now it is taking one step at a time…loving myself and the dragon that I live with seems to be a smart step right now…gently acknowledging the fear and learning to love myself…

Daily self-love is being gentle with myself…focusing on doing at least one productive thing per day that I can do towards my goal…living the fact that being healthy makes me less vulnerable, not more…

Helpful Book-The Mountain

This week I have been Intermittent Fasting 16/8…it’s easy and I enjoy the feeling of not being weighed down with food or worrying about what to eat…even though there are periods of hunger…I have made an appointment with my nutritionist for Friday…I will meet with her once a week for support…

Making friends with my dragon so we can learn to fly together …my dragon and I

Much love, laughter, and magic for your day❣

135 Days…

Back home from a cold and rainy forest holiday in Hogsback (strange name with unknown origin)…supposedly the place that inspired JRR Tolkien… nestled in the Amatola Mountain range and housing the oldest forest in South Africa…

With no wi-fi or internet…you can lose yourself in the pure magic…the earthy smells and fragrances of the natural world triggering old memories, and creating new ones…the heavy, heady smell of damp forest…

It sits on your shoulder and seeps into your senses… excited to see the colors and smell of …I am missing the crisp air and the vibrate reds, and oranges so beautifully mixed with muted shades of yellow and brown…such a kaleidoscope of color…my heart sang…and I still reel with the beauty that is just too exquisite to be able to find the right words…

“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.” ~Unknown

An apt quote for the mission that I am on to let go of the unhealthy part of myself…physically and mentally…

A celebration before we left…for Mr. P’s birthday at a restaurant called Natti’s Thai Kitchen…

Why can I never remember the effects of food and drink that are so detrimental to me…in the suspended moments of enjoyment with great friends and wonderful food…there was definitely too much alcohol imbibed by me…

I don’t normally drink alcohol…but it difficult for me in a social situation to abstain totally…normally one glass is sufficient…but that night everyone brought alcohol…gin and several bottles of wine…after one…it was too easy to allow my glass to keep being filled…

A fact of life…our bodies weaken with age…and I am working harder at trying to find a happy and healthy balance…drinking more than an occasional glass of wine is not on the list any more…but I get caught up in the frivolity and joy…I wasn’t prepared for the situation…

With being highly sensitive…the next day I reaped the effects…hormonal imbalance…depression is the worst…teary eyed…extra sensitive to every word that was spoken to me…morose and definitely not motivated to do anything…

At least I realized what was happening…and there is not much that I can do, except wait it out…but it always feels like a wasted day…miserable…you would think it would be a huge red flag…memory is so not reliable sometimes…

Difficult to eat correctly and track…motivate myself to exercise…all the routines that provide optimum living for me…Didn’t really have time to dwell on it much…getting ready to leave for Hogsback…such a needed break…

I ground in Nature…it is the most healing place that I can be…and the forest is probably the number 1 place that I love to just get lost in…wrapped in the soothing arms of Mother Earth…Stepping into a forest is like walking through a gate…I can release all the fuss and stress behind…to be greeted with peace and fragrant nature.

I didn’t track and was worried that I would gain weight…but the 80/20 rule applied…stress is outlawed during breaks from “real” life…we walked… hiked…over 10,000 steps per day…up and down…carrying photographic equipment…

Didn’t learn my lesson…Gin Tasting for me…

Don’t you just love the hat🤣

Was it worth it…I came back with a 2 lb. loss…so in that respect…it did not hurt my progress…but I don’t enjoy the punishment that ensues… my feelings of peace and happiness…

I made a choice…I don’t think I’ll be a teetotaler… but limiting myself to ONE drink is doable…there were other choices that hung on the coattails of that one…choosing to give up processed wheat and sugar…for a couple of weeks to confirm if my sensitivities are affected… there are a few studies that show that refined sugar and wheat have a drug-effect on the brain…

It worked when I lost the initial fifty pounds…but I didn’t eat fruit…because even natural sugars can sometimes cause my insulin to go wonky and I get hungry and hangry…and there goes the program…

Just one day at a time…for me it is difficult right now…carbs are my absolute fav…and I really resist the thought that it is imperative for me to be healthy…”If you resist giving up certain foods it is likely you’re addicted or intolerant to them”…and I cringe…clench my jaws…become very irritated at the thought…hmmm

I’m on my third day…just taking one day at a time…I’ll let you know how it goes…

Fall in Hogsback

Finally…three years later…wild baboons running wild in town

Rain Soaked…

Have a Magical Day warmed with Love❣

Vroom.. Vroom

Like a souped-up car at the starting lineup of an illicit street race…a little more battered and poorly maintained than most of the participants in the contest of losing weight…but here I am…gunning my engine…

Ok…it’s more like turtling along …a nostalgic cruising with the oldies…

It took me awhile to get to the starting lineup this time…keep making a wrong turn…getting caught in dead ends or facing a brick wall…needing to back up, turn around and try another route…my map was quite out of date apparently…

Here is the map that I am using to find the that I am seeking…a healthy mental and physical body that I feel confident in and my added desired benefit… An age-appropriate black dress sexy …

SMART GOALS

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.

Why? Why is this important to me …especially when some people in retirement are ready for the sideline rocking chair…Because I AM NOT…I just found my Prince and want to spend as much quality time exploring life with him…being an example to my granddaughters…being able to pursue my passion of photography (getting flat on the ground to take unique perspectives with my camera is easier with a healthy and flexible body)…each pound lost removes 4 pounds of pressure off my poor grumpy back…and knees…and most importantly…brain health “a person’s weight goes up, all regions of the brain go down in activity and blood flow” …”This study shows that being overweight or obese seriously impacts brain activity and increases the risk for Alzheimer’s disease as well as many other psychiatric and cognitive conditions,”

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/08/200805110127.htm#:~:text=on%20brain%20function-,Higher%20BMI%20is%20linked%20to%20decreased%20cerebral%20blood%20flow%2C%20which,Alzheimer’s%20disease%20and%20mental%20illness&text=Summary%3A,a%20new%20brain%20imaging

I had been on anti-depressants for a period for time when I was faced with dealing with my husband’s cancer surgery and chemotherapy during Covid in a new country…slowly coming off took about 4 months… and this week I am back to feeling like myself…the good, bad, and ugly😁

Found that EFT really is a great support for releasing anxiety that causes emotional eating and the need for wrapping myself up in a blanket of fluff…meditation was a great start…but this seems to be a better fit for me and this sensitivity that I have been blessed with (HSP/INFJ)…

Be Consistent with Logging and Exercising for 146 days (20 weeks)…that’s when we’ll be flying into the USA after being gone for 3+ years…I don’t want to put a specific weight because I do not know exactly how quickly my body is willing to release the curvaceous aspects of itself…

“Do it again and again. Consistency makes the raindrops to create holes in the rock. Whatever is difficult can be done easily with regular attendance, attention and action.”

Israelmore Ayivor, ‘The Great Hand Book Of Quotes’.

Tracking weight in Fitbit every Monday and daily logging in MFP Food Dairy I use Fitbit for logging weight because it is connected to my scale and I like other features such as my sleep score…but for some reason it is easier to record my food intake with My Fitness Pal…

Goal of 1365 calories 80% of the time…I want to be mindful without being obsessive…more fruits and vegetables…less sugar and refined carbs…I feel so much better when I eat this way…

Walking 5x a week…gym twice a week…for me that’s achievable…my goal steps per day is minimum 5,000 to 10,000…

I commit to being accountable for the 146 days…and will review at that point what my long term goals will be…so for the next 146 days I will post daily in this blog…what I ate before and my exercise log…and how I am sputtering along

…And here we go

Much love and laughter for your day…sprinkled with magic

Countdown…145 Days

Yesterday was a good beginning…but it was day 1😂 but I will take the “win” …

Made 10,000 steps although I walked in front of the television after supper for about 3,000 of them.

Today was gym day…totally different day…but it’s all good. Won’t be getting 10,000…