I wanted to thank all the beautiful souls that have joined me on this blog site. I have loved being here with you and wish you love, joy, and magic always✨
I have not been able to properly maintain two separate blogs and have decided to merge my “Threads of Thought” writing with my main blog site beautifultapestryoflife.com. I hope that you will come and join me there on my continued journey of life …I am but one insignificant thread in this awesome patchwork of life …yet we are all bound togather …connected …my wish is to contribute with love to the weaving of a better tapestry for us all…❣
“Silence is a silent storm that breaks all our dead branches.” ~ Khalil Gibran
The silence hung low and heavy …1 hour …2 hours …3 hours …4 hours …each minute an hour …each hour a day …
Pacing in the loneliness of an empty house … I took a breath, and the coldness of the deafening quietness enveloped me …drowning in the blackness, chaos, and swirling emotions immersing me in nebulousness of a personal hell
This crazy journey of life with twists and turns…highs and lows …sometimes life becomes too much and threatens to swallow us up …each breath dizzying …
The phone finally rang, listening through worry …Tiredly, the doctor informed me that the surgery went longer than anticipated …all was well and Mr. P was in “High Care” or Intensive Care …the turbulance resided as I hung up the phone and inhaled …
Now the wait for the biopsy to reveal what all the doctors said was a 95% probability of the cancer returning …the crack, in the facade I held tightly in place no longer able to hold the torrent of tears …the pain falling faster than I could control …torrents of grief poured from my heart for all that had been, was, and might be in the future …an involuntary moan slipped through my lips as inconsolable sobs wracked my body …
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes overwhelming. All we can do is to learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison
As I lay in the dampness of the agony of heartbreak for the love of my life …with a life lived had come the cracks in the illusion that I had control …I was powerless …no matter what the future might bring to me …the only option was to open the day with faith to unfold the gifts given, wrapped in the magnificent love of God …opening my eyes to His grace to be able to float on the current of unfathomable grace …
Surrender to What Is …choosing to accept what is, even if what is not what we want it to be …being OK when things aren’t OK …giving ourselves to feel …doesn’t mean we crawl into it …to allow it to swallow us up …learn to explorers of our emotions …what is happening outside that is causing that uneasiness …
Surrender to the currents …surrender to the fact that we are where we need to be …it’s ok, not to be ok all the time …accept what is …let go …float on the current of the tide of time…
I floated …kicked and screamed …almost drowned …floated some more …prayed …cried …and when exhausted …I surrendered to it all …the past, present and future …
In the midst of the unbearable angst of the week, something transformed within…a mystical experience that is unexplainable to the faithless …I have lived with desolation as my constant companion … a dark hopelessness in which nothing that happened around me often seemed to matter, and everything seemed so aimless, futile, or trivial …an uncomfortable sense of failure, a pessimistic feeling that I would never find peace, joy, or happiness that I yearned to experience …a spectator to the myriad emotions of the actors in this play called life …
I have lived my life on an island …in a cage with an open door …like the wild baby elephants that are trained and so was I …at an early age I was tethered to thick, heavy, metal chains attached to a massive iron stake driven deeply into the ground …the lies that said I was not worthy …the fear of being hurt, if seen or heard …never safe …not good enough as a female …lie after lie …after lie I was bound …each abuse, a boa constrictor slowly squeezing all the life out of me …
The baby elephant grows into a massive elephant …strong, yet held with a thin rope tied to a small piece of wood …easily able to break the snugly tied rope and be free to walk away …yet it doesn’t …why? …because it spent years believing that it couldn’t …so it doesn’t
“It is not until you change your identity to match your life blueprint that you will understand why everything in the past never worked.”
Shannon L. Alder
And so it was with me …believing all the lies kept me caged and bound in an island of isolation and loneliness …the solidity of my hopes and dreams would become wisps of nothingness, as I would begin to open the door to leave …time after time during the years …there were times that I left believing that I was strong enough …and the tendrils of the lies, beliefs and fears cut into the skin of my soul and I turned to return to the safety of my cage …I knew how to live with the skeletons of lost hopes and dreams …
When I totally surrendered …something changed within…I screamed, not with frustration …but with the bloodcurdling war cry of a warrior …I am done … setting fire to the cage …burning the carcasses of past visions and aspirations …the tendrils rising in smoke …
With the smoke in my nostrils …I walked to the edge of the ledge …an old rickety wooden bridge slowly revealed itself through the midst of lost hope …spanning across the depth of the chasm that I always feared …looking like it had been there for years …ready to collapse at any moment …badly in need of repair …some slats broken or completely missing …
There was no going back …nothing to go back to and the pain of staying the same was more than even the fear of death …it was forward to live or die …gathering the last ounce of courage within me …I called to the fire of all my hidden innermost seething anger…the lost opportunities …the abuse, the controlling and manipulating …the rejection and gaslighting … a single flame darted from my soul to the first broken piece at my feet …the fire slowly gathering strength as each piece of kindling stoked the fire …growing with intensity …the heat rushing to reach the next cracked tinder plank …consuming as it licked at my feet …
The tears ran down my soot covered cheeks …leaving trails of sadness and heartbreak …slowly my legs crumbled under me at the edge of the rocky ledge …no strength left …there was nothing that remained …the inky blackness still following me …
There I sat for what felt like eons …the dark shadows in the foliage across the chasm beneath my feet waiting for the seeping of the grey sliver of daylight into my vision …arriving to grant me a few hours of a quiet heartbeat, as I waited for night to reveal itself again ..to feel again the panic that enveloped me every night listening to the sounds of things that I could not see …it had been a frightening place that never allowed for a sweet dreams …only nightmaresof the monsters that I knew were lurking …
Total exhaustion of body, soul, and spirit brought a heaviness to my eyelids that I could not control …and with the slow arrival of the night, I slipped into the oblivion of the nothingness that would sometimes envelope me with such tightness I could no longer struggle against the terrors that played with me…
The first soft sunrays caressed by cheek and rubbing my tear swollen bleary eyes …the rosy hue of the new day with the promising songs of melodic chirping greeted me …sadness still lingered in the shadows …but I could think without the sobs wracking my body …I sat taking inventory …
Nothing …nada …zilch …I balanced myself to get on my feet …touching a lumpy cloth something or other …”that’s strange” …beside me laid a tattered, threadbare, barely there knapsack …I hadn’t remembered bringing anything with me as I fled …
Sitting back down …curious as to the contents … heavier that I would have thought, it took both hands to sling the bag into my lap …tentatively unknotting the tangled and twisted string …finally gingerly opening the bag …the absolute darkness obscuring any definite image …but nothing moved …I reached in and felt the rough edges of a hardness that I had felt before …on the other side …
Gently and slowly, I took a piece of the severely edged rock and brought it to the light …it was cold in my hand, and the tendril of a fearful memory slowly started to wind its way up around my arm …creeping upward towards my heart…
Like the sun rising, a warmth flowed through the crown of my head, through my chest…a light started to glow from my heart throughout my body and as it ran through my body and down my arm that held the dark lump …the black tendrils shrank back into the blackness I held …and as I sat there holding the memory …the light reached my hand enveloping the object …as I sat there the pain of the frigid object warmed …slowly and gently morphing …in the center of my palm where the agonizing sharpness had been, now there was only a soft pile of ash that now emitted a fragrant smell …I closed my eyes to embrace the odour and feel the softness that I held …
A gentle scented breeze stirred …kissing my cheek, flowing across my open hand and like buoyant wave embracing the sand, lifted the ash into the sky…making the grains dance with happiness for the freedom that came with the liberation …It brought tears into my eyes – tears of contentment, love and pure joy
The sun was now on the horizon … slowly melting into the horizon …like an artist’s canvas …filled with the colourful strokes of the reds, yellows, and oranges spreading like the final glows of a flame …with a welcoming feeling of warmth and love …the panorama before me including the mystical soft white, pink tinged clouds …the light continued to slowly faded and with it the tranquil wonderment of the day …
The snarls and roars across the ravine beginning as the light continued to fade my anxiety and terrors of the darkness beginning to swell inside me…the coldness starting again to envelope my body and mind …tentatively I laid my head on my arm and closed my eyes …turning my leg felt the sharpness and hardness of the stones within the knapsack …and the memory of the incredible surprising day totally obliterating all other thoughts for the moments …
The morning would bring new experiences …into the unknown I would travel …difficult it would be carrying the weight of the stones …not ready to leave the only protection that I had …and my mouth quirking into a slight smile …I could always try and learn more about changing the stones into that beautiful ethereal dust that would lighten my load …and create such feelings of love and lightness …
The future could be dangerous …an unknown risk …I could not even image what lay before me …my only reference was the cold dark loneliness and horrific experiences that I had known …it could not be any worse …even death would be more acceptable and more honorable …
“A hero is somebody who voluntarily walks into the unknown.”
Tom Hanks
Silently, one by one, in the vast blackness of the night, twinkling light blossomed as I lay there on the hard earth … until the night was no longer such a scary place … each pale twinkle whispering that would be safe as they all watched over me …breathing deeply I lost myself in wonderment …
If this was all there was of my life …it was enough
Conflicted…still conflicted …but maybe less so…just a tad. Aging is a challenge for me, that keeps showing up every January 26th …to be truthful, every day that I pass a mirror and stop with surprise …wondering who that woman I see is🤣
“Every birthday is a gift. Every day is a gift.”
Aretha Franklin
The holidays are past …my guests arrived and departed this month …sick husband on the mend for a chest infection …and my own health challenges kept me from being as present here as I would have loved to have been …
Health becomes so much imperative as age demands it portion of our life …losing lean body mass (slowing down our metabolism) and bone density, if we do not make fitness a priority and a part of our daily life …
Honestly, I also ferociously deal with confronting the uncomfortableness of my aging looks …I absolutely detest the idea of being a frumpy old lady baking cookies …or sitting in a rocking chair knitting a scarf for someone …never been and never will …although that has been a hope by daughter carried for many years …
My hair has never seen more than a small sliver of grey since I saw my first one in my twenties …oh, that was a day to be rued …couldn’t change the thinning, but really cut short cuts are much cooler in the steamy hot summer months here in South Africa …no air conditioning is not a norm here and I ‘glow’ quite a bit more during the peak summer months …and that is one strange turnaround …celebrating my birthday in the freezing cold of midwestern life to a sweltering drippy humid kind of day …
Yet, I am finding that there is a relaxing to what is …microscopic but growing …and I am releasing the brittle mask that pinches and that I have held so tightly onto to try and fit into the expected societal norm …there is a gentler pace here and a more natural acceptance to life in general …when I relax and breath into the moment …shutting out the din of marketing …the unreal expectations that we see on television and all the social media outlets …
There is a quiet peace in acceptance and even a joy that bubbles up …this little ele loved blowing bubbles in his water …after all, sometimes we must create our own bubbles
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”
Sophia Loren
It is difficult saying good-bye to the “good ole ‘days” …it is an emotional and difficult one …besides the loss of youthful dewy skin and unbounding energy, losses in life start to become more prevalent …learning how to accept those with loving grace is not a straightforward process for me …a best friend and confidant in the US had a stroke that she will not go home from… we sent WhatsApp messages daily updating our weight progress and pitfalls …supporting the ups and down of life …I did not feel so alone here, even though we were eight hours and 2000+ miles apart …I am still reeling with the loss …
Yet, it is a part of life the is here to stay …as friends and relatives age …I desire to make friends with loss and grieving …looking with love at the memories and love that were shared …gratitude for the life that I have lived …the scars that have healed with renewed strength … it’s time to say goodbye to the physical youth, shed some tears and then optimistically embrace our ever-evolving selves …
That is part of my evolution …gratitude and being present in the moment …living whole heartedly and with wild abandonment (but then taking a nap 😴) …I can now become the wild woman that my soul has yearned to be …embracing the opportunities that are now available …I’m not stopping, but just starting to dance in the joyful creativity that I am able to pursue …the writing (a fantasy novel carried for eons, tapping to be let out) and photography (becoming a story teller of the beautiful of our world) …
Time expands with all the technology at our fingertips …and I can accomplish in my life now what would have taken years, when I started working …Photoshop is so much cooler than cutting and pasting, messy airbrushing and retouching on a lightbox with several magnifiers …yes, I am that old …
Now it is time to continue the path to health, so my years can produce what is within my heart and mind …and I don’t travel onward to my next journey, taking with me what I was meant to share and leave here…
“Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.”
David Bowie
This is dedicated to my loving Mom …who I miss every day🥰 I know that she is happier where she is …
Wishing magic and “bubbles” for your day …sent with love from a fellow traveller ❣
Preparing for my day, I stared longingly at the beautiful bottle of Elie Saab Le Parfum that sat on my dressing table …It was an exquisite Christmas gift that I received from my husband💕 …
My “fancy” perfumes, that I saved for ‘special’ occasions have tended to be Chanel or Este Lauder …I wanted something different …something that I husband enjoyed too …after searching the department store, we left disappointed …just outside the door, was a sample table of Elie Saabs perfumes …I had never heard of him before …but, why not …on the last and final try, I found the most heavenly scent …so ultra-feminine …flowery, yet woodsy …The perfume opens with notes of African orange blossom. Jasmine is in the heart, including both Grandiflorum and Sambac, whereas the base consists of cedar, patchouli and rose honey accord. (1)
I sat there wondering, “Why did I think that I should only wear it on special occasions?” …”Was not every day a miracle, a gift, something to be celebrated?” … “Was I not ‘important enough’?’ …
“I am to be loved, honored and respected solely because I exist. I am to be cherished, spoiled, celebrated because I Am! I was made to be admired. I am a beloved child of God after all.”
I sat there musing …light bulb eventually going off🛎…I have lived with a scarcity mindset, for as long as I can remember …not having enough to eat or having to wear hand-me-down clothes as a child …then after the divorce, struggling just to make ends meet … also, one of the factors to why I sabotage myself in building the healthy habit of cutting out the processed foods … giving up the ‘things that I want and crave’ …
The scarcity mindset overshadows so many parts of my life …not just with food …the emotional deprivation of feeling loved or important created also birthing a “deprivation mindset.” …always expecting the people, I loved to let me down …obsessing about love, food, and money …my brain always in alert mode, to being deprived of those same things …mentally fatigued …hyper focused …anxiety-ridden 24/7
This anxiety of ‘not having enough’ totally interferes with my motivation with eating for nutrition and well-being …making me more vulnerable to temptation …”after all, it might be the last time that I get to eat this food” …how illogical is that? … It has been a subconscious tape running in the background of my mind …and the ‘rut’ is deep …so, what to do to make this path less bumpy? …
What I kept finding, while researching the answer …the No.1 answer across the board was “gratitude” (2)…I am recognizing when the thoughts arise and rewiring …to create an ‘abundance’ mindset …when I review my life, I have always been provided for …there is always ‘enough’ …forgetting that God “owns the cattle on a thousand hills” and I am His child …
Appreciation for what ‘is’ …for the ‘creative aspect of the universe (I call Him ‘God’) …opening myself to the light of love that is available …to living in the moment …being mindful of the delight in focusing on each breath, in savouring a moment, in giving back, and in the feeling of the afternoon breeze on your cheek …mindful gratitude …
My ADHD brain always loves to run away with me …like the dog that finds the gate open …it’s goooone🤣 …meditation and breath work, has been great for reining it back in to the present moment in time …there are so many breathing techniques that it has taken me awhile to find one that feels ‘right’ for me …
Box Breathing is quickly learned and easy to remember, sometimes called the Four-square technique (3), slowly inhaling for the count of four, hold for four, exhaling for the count of four, hold for four…and repeat
My brain cannot focus on anything else, when I am concentrating on the process of breathing, it brings me back to the present …great for when I get anxious …”The slow holding of breath allows CO2 to build up in the blood. An increased blood CO2 enhances the cardio-inhibitory response of the vagus nerve when you exhale and stimulates your parasympathetic system. This produces a calm and relaxed feeling in the mind and body.“(3) …
EFT Tapping is another beneficial technique for mind and body regulation…tapping with the fingertips on meridian points, our energy points (the same points that acupuncturists use) …“During a tapping session, the participant focuses on an undesirable emotion, such as a stressful situation, specific fear or bad memory. While maintaining focus on the concern, the participant uses their fingertips to tap on each of the body’s nine meridian points. Specific phrases are repeated during the session to maintain the focus on the issue at hand. Tapping on the meridian points while concentrating on accepting the negative emotion or concern helps re-balance the body’s energy.” (4) …the beginning acceptance and acknowledgment of the problem to be addressed was satisfying to me …something like “Even though I [insert your issue or fear here], I accept myself and my feelings.” (5) …Breathing techniques are the quicker “whoa” for me …
Wearing the perfume and the sparkly sandals …why not?
So, I dabbed on the perfume … slipped my feet into my pink sparkly sandals and started the day …feeling like it was going to be a really good day …a most excellent day, in fact ...
Peace, love, and happiness for each moment of 2023 …with a sprinkling of magic ❣ …
Mountains are often used as metaphors of challenges that feel insurmountable and impossible to scale, as we stand at the bottom viewing the craggy and jagged edges, piecing the sky … cloaked with an insidious mist clutching, hiding the prize that we seek …
The mountain is not so much outside of myself, it is the ‘old ‘self within …the fears, the traumas, the coping mechanisms that became my tools of survival …the bedrock of my life …an obstruction that keeps me from the healthy life that I want to live …
I must become the heroine of my story. Mastering myself and in the doing, mastering the mountain that has loomed over the landscape of my life for what seems like a millennium …
The last couple of weeks have been a fascinating learning journey…after two months of one of an extremely stressful periods in my life …I felt like a failure for not being able to accomplish the desired result that I had dreamed of …I sat there staring at all the little broken in pieces of my heart …
The very day that I came back home …another punch in the gut with news that was life altering …so I just sat and cried, and cried some more …everything within me shattered …then I surrendered …there was nothing that I could do the change the outcomes …Logically, I know that as humans, we do not have control over some of life’s bumps …but I have lived a great deal of my life with the uncontrollable need to try to control situations and people in my sphere …out of the fear of lost, being alone without the capability to survive …
A stressful situation has always triggered anxiety and fear that sweet and Carby foods were able to sooth in the moment …the challenge of becoming healthier now at 60+ has many additional facets that have needed to be addressed …most so neurologically engrained that stepping out of the grooved ruts to build new pathways seemed most difficult, if not impossible …
My being stubborn does have its advantages sometimes …I have dreams and goals that have not dissipated into the midst of the grey hopelessness and depression that often surrounds me, causing me to fall off the mountain so many times … they keep tapping me on the shoulder …’you can’t give up,’ …’you have things to create,’ “people to love” …my obstinacy would raise its head and with bloody nose, broken bones, bruised knees (and my angel’s help) I would get up …to try one more time …
There are few obstacles in life that will not succumb to consistent, sustained, intelligent, positive action. When you are discouraged after you’ve failed at something, remember Edison’s 10,000 failures before he arrived at the solution that forever changed the world ~Napolean Hill
I sat several days with the breath knocked out of me …surrounded by all the broken pieces …sitting there, trying to get my breath back …I kept telling myself “breath in, breathe out,” “breath in, breath out” as I viewed each broken piece that glittered in the South African sun …strange creative thoughts arriving of what a beautiful mosaic they would make …I picked up a piece and gratitude filled my heart as I viewed the memory of that piece of myself …
I cannot tell you what magic occurred during the last two weeks …but the mountain disappeared, and a previously unseen path materialized in front of me …as I relinquished my control over what was and will be …opened my heart with gratitude for the wonder and gifts of each moment …
The path, my broken heart opened, will not be without perils, obstacles, and challenges …for that is what we call “life” …I have gathered all the broken pieces and carry them all close to my heart, in a bag embroidered with a heart❤ with gratitude…I am slowing down, taking one step at a time …embracing each moment with graciousness and peaceful thankfulness of the present moment …finding the way to my destination with less fear and apprehension …
Each extra unhealthy pound that I carry holds an old emotion, hurt, or trauma that I pushed down …to be released, I must hold them to the light of love …until they are transformed and released …the journey is one that may be arduous and painful at times …but less so, than the previous ones of scaling the mirage of that unscalable mountain that I viewed through all the years of listening to the ‘diet industry’ …
“The difference between a path and a road is not only the obvious one. A path is little more than a habit that comes with knowledge of a place. It is a sort of ritual of familiarity. As a form, it is a form of contact with a known landscape. It is not destructive. It is the perfect adaptation, through experience and familiarity, of movement to place; it obeys the natural contours; such obstacles as it meets it goes around.”
Still maintaining the habits that assist me on the path, such as intermittent fasting, low intake of carbs, and less stress in my life …I had lost almost 5 pounds …Christmas Eve with my South African family and Christmas Day were bumps …a charming Christmas Eve dinner with family and a tearful ‘missing’ the traditional Christmas that I observed in the USA with my kids and family …
“Light is to darkness what love is to fear; in the presence of one the other disappears.” – Marianne Williamson
My Christmas gift to you is shining the light of love, sharing the knowledge that you are not alone in the darkness of your struggles in the tempetuous and wild storms of life …you are loved beyond your imagination …love yourself …hold yourself tight …the magic will appear …hold on my dear one❣
What???????? No magic spell to cure ADHD and erase all the distractibility, and impulsivity that it drags along with this neurodevelopmental disorder. No wizardry that will ease the additional challenges that ADHD brings to the task of losing weight …
Self-regulation mechanisms – the deficits of self-regulation of attention, self-regulation of emotion, and the short-term memory are demons that I have struggled with …although now they are no longer phantom ghosts, I must now come to an acceptance of their reality for me, and find ways to banish them or at least keep them at bay …
They are like the sirens of old …singing the enticing music of beckoning carbohydrates …wrong signals about what is ‘right’ …the same deficit of impulse control that causes me to struggle with in interrupting conversations, making it more challenging to not respond to stress by stuffing myself with that wonderful dopamine feeling that is released with the sugary carby food that I crave in that moment …
I have hated myself for years …because I ‘knew’ what I needed to do …and sometimes for periods of time, I might have been able to contain the overwhelming desires …mostly through sheer willpower and situations that were supportive unbeknownst to me …but then the virtuoso’s that played the music in my brain, regained control …
I had come to have no faith or believe in myself …hate and self-loathing created such havoc …seas of despair ravaged my shores for decades …understanding the arduous tasks that must jealously guarded, give me the advantage of envisioning a possibility of reaching the shore of a healthy life…aka my the mountain top …so microscopic, yet it is there… but then I have lived my life in the embers of hope …my angels working overtime to keep the small fire burning in the midst of the gales of hopelessness that constantly blew across the landscape of my mind …
I have not come to terms with the diagnosis fully …I do not yet see the blessing or the positive aspects of having a non-neurotypical brain …it will take time to learn to love myself …A misogynistic father, a restrictive controlling cult and all my life challenges did not serve to plant the seed of self-love …I am not a victim to that anymore, and I will overcome this challenge, as I have others …
🤔 I have started researching the best way forward from where I am currently standing …just general scientific knowledge has shown the direct correlation between the fuel we put into our bodies and how the engine (brain) functions …the incorrect or substandard (Western type diet) will cause the circuits to misfire …
There are important ‘rules’ for me that I have found by testing and searching for the magic bullet with weight loss, which assist with my mental health …
Avoiding artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives in processed foods
Eliminating refined sugars. Who is surprised with that one😂The annoying refined sugar bugs impair brain function and really exacerbates my mood disorders …
Take Magnesium, B6, Vitamin D and Omega 3 (are helpful to me)
Morning Exercise. 30 minutes of an aerobic exercise that increases the dopamine to get me going in the right direction
IF 16 hours (intermittent Fasting). I don’t have to worry about what to eat or when to eat. I do always need to be mindful, to eat after that, because if I get too hungry, all impulse control goes out the window.
Support to keep me focused and on track. I recently enlisted a new trainer that is super supportive and understands where I am at …is gentle, yet still pushes me to go the distance. Being responsible to someone, other than my husband, is also a a supplement to the process
My ADHD medicine is necessary, along with support of a therapist that understands the struggle …
I had the ‘please, let me just die’ flu last week, so that did help with beginning the process of changing my eating. This week, I am focusing on creating exercise habits …it is more sustainable for me to start one habit at a time …
Routine is my secret weapon, it assists me with a sense of the time of day, as well as the day of the week, not to mention my goals and priorities. I don’t need to stress about what I need to do, when I need to do it …as much as I detest routines being a free-spirited Aquarian, it does increase my ability to cope and stay on my meandering path … And not every day lends itself to following the routine to the dots and tittles …but it is a skeleton that is flexible … perfection being unattainable, 80/20 is a lifesaving rule
Monday. Weight-In. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Tuesday. Gym Training 1:30 pm. IF Fasting till 12
Wednesday. 30 minutes 8am. IF Fasting till 12
Thursday is 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Friday. Gym Training 1:30. IF Fasting till 12
Saturday. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Sunday is my ‘Rest’ Day…Breakfast and a fun day with my husband💕
There are additional changes that are in the wings …for flexibility and strength training …the trainer suggested swimming exercises classes at the gym and a ‘gentle yoga’ class …currently it sounds overwhelming … yet I only need take one day at a time…
Today, Friday is my second gym day …doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment …but a rung in the ladder …a step ‘at a time’ on this long trek toward the top of the mountain … with courage I am taking each day slowly and with a deliberate focus …as much as possible with an ADHD brain 😂
“Courage wasn’t a matter of taking the whole mountain in a single massive leap. Courage was taking it one step at a time, doing what was necessary now, preparing for the next step, and refusing to worry about whether some step in the future would be the one that would break him.”
– Timothy Zahn, ‘Star Wars’.
I am documenting this journey with ADHD and weight loss at the awesome age of 60+, so if there is anyone that feels hopeless and lost in the gloomy obscurity of life…I leave a little of myself to shine✨ in the mire of despondency that we all feel burdened with at times …
“Don’t feel alone, because there is always someone out there who loves you more than you can imagine.” – Anurag Prakash Ray.
Sending love for your day … love is the magic that creates possibilities where there appears only an abyss of nothingness …Although you may not know me, and I may not have seen you in this physical world …I know you are there, and I walk beside you …may these words wrap a warmth and comforting blanket around your heart …💌
Daily tripping over myself and rolling down this steep mountain…over bruising rocks and broken twigs poking holes and leaving long bleeding scratches in the skin of my soul and spirit… continuing fighting for a goal, that appears unattainable, every single day seems counterintuitive …so when is it pure foolish dogged grit and when is it time to let something go…
Is being a healthy weight at 66…almost 67…an unhealthy obsession? …I have fought with my weight issues for most of my life …starting with the dissolution of my first marriage …gaining weight as I stuffed emotions of every kind … feeling that I wasn’t worth loving …I was inadequate as a woman (my own Father pounded that in…I wasn’t a good enough woman to keep my husband from cheating …I had no skills to combat all the despair and depression …wanting to just to die because of the incredible pain that enveloped me every moment of every breath…
…I digress …this writing is not about delving into the situations that occured to cause emotional overeating …and more about where I go from here …I wanted so much to make this the “last” and final time to try and get healthy …I live with a vision of being healthy and fit …just sliding into a dress and not worrying about which lump or bump that might show …of being able to get up of the ground when I want to take a photograph from an inspiring creative angle… taking hikes with my Mr. P …and on and on …the desire is there
Thirty years of “dieting” hasn’t worked …there is always a stressful situation that arrives knocking on the door …that is the siren’s call of fatty, sugary, and carby beckons ….bringing all the comforting numbing and pleasure of earthly fare (however fleeting) whispers …you know …the legal substance to anaesthetize overwhelming emotional pain …
When I first arrived here in South Africa in 2019 …I weighed the heaviest that I had ever been in my life …and with support I lost 50 pounds …it was such an incredible feeling …it wasn’t easy …but walking, exercising, and low carb eating it came off without too much pain …although the first month my body ached every day as I started moving after about 3 years of dealing with PTSD and just surviving day to day …so, it is possible …
Then life smacked us all ridiculously hard with Covid lock-down …here, we couldn’t even leave the house for walking for a fleeting period of time …then my knight was diagnosed with colon cancer and the next year, and a half consisted of an overload of every conceivable emotion and anxiety that one deals with in this situation…topped with being alone in a new and unknown country with a new partnership …needless to say, that knocked me off the healthy lifestyle that I had developed …falling back to my lifelong coping mechanisms …
I have never fully recovered …and although I didn’t lose all the ground, I had gained with my endeavors …I am now in another challenging situation that is continuing to sabotage the loss that I had …and I am concerned …currently losing ground rapidly
So …should I just let go … and just say, “f*** it all” and just live the shortened life that I will have (if I give up) …
There are days that it feels that it might be such a relief to just float into oblivion of not caring anymore …
Yet …there springs the smallest flicker of hope that I can still beat this …so tired of fighting …is there another way to find peace and health at the same time …the paths that I was walked before …definitely didn’t lead me to the place that I wanted …just more frustration of failing one more time …belief in myself dissipating …
The situation is not going to change for a little while …it is a situation that I am caring for a young girl who is hanging on for her own life …I won’t abandon her when her loneliness and despair …I know too well her journey … her heart is beautiful and shines through …
So now what …unfortunately or fortunately …I have never been able to give up on something that is important to who I as a person …I still want a life filled with joy and happiness and the longer I ride this planet …the more glimpses of that magical joy I can stuff into my pockets of memories to warm me when life is cold and the blustery winds curl their tendrils around me …intent on pulling off the cloak of my peace …
The process has to be different than that the greedy businesses of weight loss tries to sell us …the pied pipers of the perfect body …companies that “peddle fad weight-loss products.” to line their pockets with the hopes and dreams of people believing the lies that are spun …
I know that there are no easy fixes …no quick diet …I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the times that I’ve believed and spend my blood and sweaty tears for a new hope filled scheme …
It’s only a long term…exercise and calorie deficit lifestyle …living life …80/20 and not perfection that laughs in my face with the impossibility …I have a meeting with a trainer that I meet with last week …not for losing weight specifically …but to increase those sly muscle tissues that keep disappearing somewhere in the wild blue wonder as I age …and the flexibility that would support less chance of injury ….yada…yada …yada…things we all know are important for a better life as we age …
Bottom line …I just want to feel a whole lot better than I do currently …and the rocking chair doesn’t entice me at all …is it too late …I don’t think so …as long as I have breath, it is not too late …more difficult, but possible …
I had tried a trainer last year …but it wasn’t the right fit …he was a buff guy that just knew how to do that …”buff up” …not a long-term, slow healthy journey…a sustainable lifestyle for the rest of my life …a lifestyle that supports the attainment of my goals and dreams that I still carry tucked away in the deepest dark corners of my mind from the prying and grubby hands of those that say, that I must release them and let them go …you’re too old …
I have worked really Damm hard to get this far in life …to survive … maybe not thrive as well as I would have liked …but I survived and that is a victory that I can celebrate …and I am not too old to be what I want to be or at least enjoy the journey …
So I am putting on my “big girl panties” …and go to work …one more time …”I can do all things through Him who empowers me” …maybe pure foolishness …but often in history, what the world saw as foolishness became a greatness that enhanced the life of others …
Sending so much love, laughter, and magic for your life ❣…
This is difficult writing …my diagnosis of having ADHD … I started therapy for support and tools for finding out why I could not climb the mountain of weight loss …and then suddenly, I found myself in the twilight zone … wrangling with a mixed bag of emotions that I am still untangling …
I’m 66 years old and just now finding out why I have struggled all my life is heartbreaking …Exhaustion, both mental and physical, has been a constant companion in my life…pushing hard to accomplish my goals and dreams …yet never quite attaining what I felt I could do … I would get tired and would give up for a period when I didn’t have the ‘umph” to try that day …yet, the minute ember of hope for my magnificent and heartfelt dreams would not die …
“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.” ~Ghandi
I mourn for all the self-hatred, self-criticism, low self-esteem …heartache for the impulsive decisions that cost me years of happiness …resentment and grief for the years that I struggled alone…sadness for lost opportunities … for thinking that I just wasn’t strong enough …a lifetime of depression …there is grieving to walk through …
… Now there are answers and new shining possibilities … as I accept and understand what Adult ADD is, there is Hope …I’m not broken …it is a quirky, fascinating thing that’s just part of who I am; and is manageable …
“All adventures, especially into new territory, are scary” ~Sally Ride
I have only been on the medication for less than a week …and it already makes a difference in the goal of becoming healthy …before I received the diagnosis, I still had been trying to figure out why I felt mentally resistant to losing weight …and a part of the stubbornness and refusal to be consistent appeared to be from coming from the point of view of weight loss for beauty …or the common social media type of beauty …
Becoming thin for the accolades of people (in particular the male species) …for beauty only …seems to be more effective short term …and that does not work for the long-term healthy life that I want to create for my future… I am modifying my ‘why’s’ for climbing the weight loss mountain …
It takes a great deal of pressure off …it’s not about losing weight quickly for the vacation and then gaining it back again …but gradually learning new healthy habits that I can be consistent with day-in and day-out …changing how to relate to food so that it becomes an aspect of my life that I enjoy …that I don’t need to obsess about every single moment of the day …
A much easier path to take …longer and more circuitous …but the path is easier and less stressful to walk daily …for lifelong sucess, it will be the slow building of self-care habits … I started last week by Intermittent Fasting …not every day, but most days (80/20) make life more realistic …it’s been easier this week to maintain consistency …not worrying or tracking every bit of food …but learning to be conscious of what I eat …even enjoying a wonderful date night with my husband relishing wonderful flavors of well-prepared food …
Exercising began with just a 1-mile (15 minute) exercise in the morning …dog walking in the afternoon if not raining or recovering from a fall on slippery tile …last week was a definite win …not perfect, but I’m giving myself grace to not be ‘perfect’ …especially since it’s an impossibility …
I lost less than a pound …it’s ok …I moved forward toward my goal …this week is another step forward …a little more practice with consistency and just learning to function with my diagnosis …I read that ADHD can contribute to health problems such as compulsive eating, substance abuse, anxiety, chronic stress, and tension …all which causes emotional eating (in my case) …
I had lost hope of things working out the way I had dreamed (I am incredibly blessed to have my Mr. P and his loving support) …my big goals had been reduced to faint misty illusions …I had fallen into a tenacious holding pattern … just keeping my head above water, so no one knew how close to drowning I was…my dreams had kept collapsing …now there is a gleam of light through the streaky dirty window that my spirit looked onto the world with ….for me it now suddenly feels even more awesome and incredible …a beautiful journey ahead …
I have lived enough of life to know that it is not going to be all smooth sailing …but now I remember who I am … that my story is important, eternal, and sacred …I may have been taking the longer route … the sights along the way are going to be pretty incredible, now that I can see more clearly …
Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “life is a journey, not a destination”
“Dance. Smile. Giggle. Marvel. TRUST. HOPE. LOVE. WISH. BELIEVE. Most of all, enjoy every moment of the journey, and appreciate where you are at this moment instead of always focusing on how far you have to go.”
Mandy Hale
A word of Advice from a dreamer …NEVER, EVER, EVER GIVE UP! Life is challenging with its twists and turns …when you least expect it, the world will open into the most magical of places
This was a Magical Hidden Place in Hogsback, South Africa❣
“Life can be so unpredictable, always remember that! The rain can pour down and the winds can blow hard, sweeping away those peaceful moments you had. It’s never the end of the world when things go wrong. Just keep faith in yourself, keep going and stay strong. Never give up on your dreams and never give up hope.”
Never one for being patient …it has seemed waiting for the therapist…waiting for healing …it has seemed that all I have been doing lately is waiting …and waiting …and …I think you get the point…
But the choice was to do things differently this time …to make lasting changes …to become the become a Master of my own life …and so it is …life itself has a timing …Edmund Burke said, “Our patience will achieve more than our force.”
“The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it.” ~Arnold H. Glasow
“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” ~John Quincy Adams
I am learning a different type of waiting …Yet, waiting itself can be extraordinary …I spent a great deal of wasted time not enjoying the moments of where I was …waiting for the thin version …the healthier version …to have an extraordinary magical moment where my fairy godmother would appear and make everything a perfect fairytale …or at least my version of one
I love this thought from Shauna Niequist, “Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearl. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies.” …yet each moment that we stop, live, and breathe “the moment” …the small “glowing pearl” that we skip over becomes a luminous wonder that is so enthralling that we can get lost and captivated by …afterwards tucking it away in our memories to pull out on less than spectacular days to brighten and warm our hearts …
As I wait for eye to heal …my second cataract surgery …it is a most miraculous Christmas present …wearing glasses since I was 8 years old …to be able to write these words without glasses slipping down my nose is a wonderment that makes my thoughts bubble …I am blessed
As I wait for my sessions with my therapist to help me grow and change …to wait for the prognosis on whether I might have Adult ADHD …as I wait for the medicine to clear my infection …there are many blessed and gracious moments that I could just let pass by and miss all the abundant blessings that surround me …
A loving husband that is supportive even though all the gunk of my life now …loving kids and grandkids that I will soon get to visit in about 6 weeks …finally after three years we get to fly home …and in sounding really dorky …the smell of the banana bread that I’m baking …here in South Africa, I see daily those that would be grateful to have that opportunity to enjoy …
Like the beautiful kudu that I was able to photograph just enjoying the morning rays …I too will sit and enjoy the moments …
The current plan is to fast the mornings …my therapist said that it was greatly beneficial and on most mornings, I am contented and not hungry till later in the day (which not everyone can do) …and it will help to start controlling the number of calories that I eat …doesn’t feel like a lot …but with the walking it is a healthy part to the lifestyle…
I was really surprised at her reaction (yes, my therapist is a woman) when after I said that I “hated” being overweight and went on about being beautiful and thin …her comment was “can’t voluptuous women be beautiful” …still chewing on that one …
I just feel healthier and happier at a lower weight …but does my obsession with a number on the scale detract from my joy of life …at the moment, it is a “yes”…something I am working on is loving myself where I’m at …the stress itself … the hormone cortisol is a huge factor in not losing weight …so science would seem to indicate …
Focusing on enjoying the treasures of the moment …the wonderfulness of just “being” …it’s a nice feeling not worrying …something I’ve spent my life doing …patiently waiting for life to beckon me further …
I cannot say it better than the quote from Shauna Niequist ….sending all the love, beauty and magic that your life can hold …❣
Beauty of the Quiet
“believe that this way of living, this focus on the present, the daily, the tangible, this intense concentration not on the news headlines but on the flowers growing in your own garden, the children growing in your own home, this way of living has the potential to open up the heavens, to yield a glittering handful of diamonds where a second ago there was coal. This way of living and noticing and building and crafting can crack through the movie sets and soundtracks that keep us waiting for our own life stories to begin, and set us free to observe the lives we have been creating all along without ever realizing it.
I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another. That’s the drama of life, swirling all around us, and generally I don’t even see it, because I’m too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think I am about to become. The big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting.
The Heisman Trophy winner knows this. He knows that his big moment was not when they gave him the trophy. It was the thousand times he went to practice instead of going back to bed. It was the miles run on rainy days, the healthy meals when a burger sounded like heaven. That big moment represented and rested on a foundation of moments that had come before it.
I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along, we will find worlds within us and between us, dreams and stories and memories spilling over. The nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage an parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look.
Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter that you’re having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted.
Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is.
You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
I almost laughed out loud when my therapist spoke those words aloud…I had been upset because I had been trying to control something/someone that I had no control over…being an Empath has always muddied the waters by feeling the emotions of others …always devoting my precious energy to trying to thinking, ruminating over and over …trying to control situations that I had no business trying to manage…partly to make everyone happy and in part, trying to control out of fear …an old childhood trauma reaction
Just love that passage…Backing off and relaxing the grip on the need to control everything and everybody within my sphere of influence feels like taking gulping in a huge breath of air after I’ve been holding my breath for eons…or what feels like eons
It’s never to late to learn better ways to navigate life…even if I was told that it’s “a little late to be learning” how to travel this plain of existence in a slightly healthier manner …or in my case, I just want my life journey to be happier and more filled with joy with the time that I have available …much better way to be available to give love to those who need it than from a depressed and sad place …
The recent path has been passing rather rapidly …the time feels long when I am in the work but the last few weeks …a down hill runaway train feels like a more apt description …just raise my hands and scream …I heard you should do that on a roller coaster to release the fear😂
I realize that there is still a decent amount of work to do to step off the brakes of life …I’m still ok with that …progress is progress and any amount is going in the right direction …so on I go
“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”
As I continue to work on becoming a more balanced empath and controlling my own circus of magical unicorns, dragons and friendly lions …not worrying about what I cannot control and shifting to what joyful life I can create …there is still the view of the mountain of losing weight in my sight…
I took a break for a few months to find some balance and work at removing the rocks and boulders that kept tripping me up …I’m ready to try again …a firm believer that when you’re ready the teacher comes or the path is revealed …this morning was an “aha” moment …
There are hundreds…thousands of ways that the diet industry and every “Tom, Dick and Harry” suggest is the best way to lose weight and be healthy …the scientific community changes it’s opinion right and left also …and I’ve tried almost every single one of them …ashamed of the money and energy seemingly wasted on the endeavor …past is past
Anyway…back to this morning …talking to my friend that has been struggling right along beside me …she told me about her sister that had lost over 100 pounds in less than a year …and about the same age bracket …a light blinked on…
I had been reading an Instagram account of a younger woman who had followed the same basic principles …but I was skeptical that it would work for a post menaposual woman …those pesky hormones and all that …but here was a perfect example that the simplest solution might be the answer …
Both of these women did the same basic things … 1) Each day when they reached their calorie allotment, they quit eating. No food restrictions or special types of food. 2) Exercise. One 30 minutes of treadmill walking and the other an hour of fast walking. No special equipment. Just moving. 3) Tracking weight…one recorded their weight daily and the other weighed once a week.
So that is the plan to start climbing again …I’m rather excited to see what I can do…70 days till home USA
“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. ~Alan Cohen
Sending the gift of love and laughter…a peaceful heart filled with joy and sprinkled with the magic of a life❣
Threads of Thought 